6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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