he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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