holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
