He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize