I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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