Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
