I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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