How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
