Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Operation Purity has been aborted
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
