I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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