When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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