Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
