Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
