My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
