I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Green mimosas i think yes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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