bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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