Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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