If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
