Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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