when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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