You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
