don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
