you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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