Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
