Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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