Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
