I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And then he peed in my hair
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
