Got a toothbrush?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
