Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
