He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
