Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My ass is underappreciated
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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