He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
