I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
