Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
