yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
