I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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