Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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