I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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