I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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