ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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