end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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