Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
