I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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