I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
