guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
