Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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