And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
