Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
