i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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