i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
