I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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