Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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