and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
