I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
