we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
