I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
