just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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